July 14th, 2018. 4:14pm.

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. This site is officially the oldest one that I have managed. It has been more than six years. I will do my best to update here at least once a week considering how I'm majoring in Journalism now. I want to modify a lot of things in this blog including the template and the privacy settings but I want to take it easy for the meantime.I have just finished my first semester of Degree, so I want to take my time to rest for a few days or weeks. I'm glad it has ended. It was one of the toughest moment I have experienced in my life. My life took so many turns after the long four months. Although I did learn a lot of things, I have failed a few times and most of it leave deep scars to the point that I'm scared of remembering the reasons why it happened. But this is not what I want to write here.

I'm not sure how to start because this is not the kind of topic that I necessarily talk about unless if it's with my sister. But, since I will put this blog to private, I guess I should at least be brave enough to express everything here like how I used to be during the first year of me blogging in high school. Well, I did curse people in here before. I wonder what makes me worried now? Hahahahaha! Maybe I have a different way of thinking now.

Mom seems to be mentioning about marriage a lot often lately. I'm not sure if she is joking or not. Let's just assume that she's serious because of the number of times she has talked about it every time I'm home. I think she's worried about me not showing any hint of having a boyfriend or someone like that and that I don't seem to care about such thing even though I'm already old enough to at least have one. Actually, I do care about it. I really do. But, I don't know how to express my concern regarding this topic. Strangely enough, I can converse with my sister about this just fine. But definitely not with my parents, friends, relatives, or anybody else. I don't even have the courage and confidence to bring up words such as "boys", "marriage", "love" (as in a romantic way), and "soulmate" when they are talking about me in general because I'm worried the conversation would dive deeper into such related topics.

I want to settle this by having a so-called future husband and introduce him to my family and friends so that I don't have to make everyone including myself worried anymore, but the problem is: I don't know how to find one. I grew up in a surrounding where dating as a non-married couple is considered a big sin. It wasn't my parents who taught me so, it was my friends. Everyone seemed to care about me deeply since I was in my first grade of primary school. Of course, I'm glad to have such kind and considerate friends and am grateful to know the fact that I had chosen the right friends, but ingraining me with such ideology since I was small has caused me to lose the skill to interact with boys as a whole.

When I was small, I was never told that it's okay to love someone as long as we don't do what is not permissible in Islam. I was only told that we should not date someone because it is a sin. That has caused me to think that I should not have any romantic feeling on anybody, thus, causing me to not interact with boys unless if it's about school works or other important stuff. When I came to know that it's okay to have romantic feeling on someone, I started to have mixed feelings every time I wanted to talk with boys. "Am I talking with him because of school works or is it because of the possibility that he can be my boyfriend? Am I being sincere right now?" I have now becoming concerned of this. Since I felt guilty, I kinda avoided talking with boys whenever possible because it would lead me to stress for thinking too deeply about it.

I have been confessed to a few times before but I was scared to know how serious they were. I wasn't sure if dating someone with no intention to marry is a right thing to do. And I'm scared that even if he did have the intention, the relationship might still fail halfway due to unavoidable reasons. The only thing that I would gain from the relationship would just be sins and regrets and that is the number one think I want to avoid.

I am even concerned of how I would be sinning if I make an eye contact with boys. I have to admit that my mind has its own perverted side. Every time I'm sitting or standing physically close with a boy, I can't help but think about a lot of negative stuff. It's embarrassing to say this but I have to since my intention here is to clear off my mind by expressing everything. However, logically speaking, everyone has their own perverted side because nobody is excused from the need to reproduce. We are human beings after all. Hahahaha! I can't believe I'm actually saying this. It's just that different people have different level of pervert-ness(?) in their mind. Maybe "pervert" isn't the right word but since I don't know what else should I use, I shall just stick with it.

Some people even complimented me for avoiding boys (because you know why) and that is also one of the reason as to why I avoided from communicating with them a lot more. Also, considering how judgmental people are today, I even do my utmost best to make my mind refuse from accepting any of them as my acquaintance. 

Long story short, I do want to marry, but my level of communication with boys and how I could be sinning myself even before I got married put me off. I don't know with whom should I consult about this matter. My sister is younger than me so I feel like she is not the right person for me to ask for a solution. My parents and my friends are not either because I can't seem to use the right words every time I talk with them about marriage related stuff. Plus, I'm scared of getting judged in the wrong way by them.

People said to have faith in God because everyone is destined to meet their soulmate regardless of where they are. But, I feel like if I don't work for it, I wouldn't meet him anytime sooner. I am also in a race against time. I have my own plan in life, so I need to work for it way harder but I don't know how to start. I'm stuck at the starting line. How should I take my first step? How should I ensure a smooth progress? I'm in a desperate need for an answer but with whom should I ask from?

July 14th, 2018. 4:14pm.

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. This site is officially the oldest one that I have managed. It has been more than six years. I will do my best to update here at least once a week considering how I'm majoring in Journalism now. I want to modify a lot of things in this blog including the template and the privacy settings but I want to take it easy for the meantime.I have just finished my first semester of Degree, so I want to take my time to rest for a few days or weeks. I'm glad it has ended. It was one of the toughest moment I have experienced in my life. My life took so many turns after the long four months. Although I did learn a lot of things, I have failed a few times and most of it leave deep scars to the point that I'm scared of remembering the reasons why it happened. But this is not what I want to write here.

I'm not sure how to start because this is not the kind of topic that I necessarily talk about unless if it's with my sister. But, since I will put this blog to private, I guess I should at least be brave enough to express everything here like how I used to be during the first year of me blogging in high school. Well, I did curse people in here before. I wonder what makes me worried now? Hahahahaha! Maybe I have a different way of thinking now.

Mom seems to be mentioning about marriage a lot often lately. I'm not sure if she is joking or not. Let's just assume that she's serious because of the number of times she has talked about it every time I'm home. I think she's worried about me not showing any hint of having a boyfriend or someone like that and that I don't seem to care about such thing even though I'm already old enough to at least have one. Actually, I do care about it. I really do. But, I don't know how to express my concern regarding this topic. Strangely enough, I can converse with my sister about this just fine. But definitely not with my parents, friends, relatives, or anybody else. I don't even have the courage and confidence to bring up words such as "boys", "marriage", "love" (as in a romantic way), and "soulmate" when they are talking about me in general because I'm worried the conversation would dive deeper into such related topics.

I want to settle this by having a so-called future husband and introduce him to my family and friends so that I don't have to make everyone including myself worried anymore, but the problem is: I don't know how to find one. I grew up in a surrounding where dating as a non-married couple is considered a big sin. It wasn't my parents who taught me so, it was my friends. Everyone seemed to care about me deeply since I was in my first grade of primary school. Of course, I'm glad to have such kind and considerate friends and am grateful to know the fact that I had chosen the right friends, but ingraining me with such ideology since I was small has caused me to lose the skill to interact with boys as a whole.

When I was small, I was never told that it's okay to love someone as long as we don't do what is not permissible in Islam. I was only told that we should not date someone because it is a sin. That has caused me to think that I should not have any romantic feeling on anybody, thus, causing me to not interact with boys unless if it's about school works or other important stuff. When I came to know that it's okay to have romantic feeling on someone, I started to have mixed feelings every time I wanted to talk with boys. "Am I talking with him because of school works or is it because of the possibility that he can be my boyfriend? Am I being sincere right now?" I have now becoming concerned of this. Since I felt guilty, I kinda avoided talking with boys whenever possible because it would lead me to stress for thinking too deeply about it.

I have been confessed to a few times before but I was scared to know how serious they were. I wasn't sure if dating someone with no intention to marry is a right thing to do. And I'm scared that even if he did have the intention, the relationship might still fail halfway due to unavoidable reasons. The only thing that I would gain from the relationship would just be sins and regrets and that is the number one think I want to avoid.

I am even concerned of how I would be sinning if I make an eye contact with boys. I have to admit that my mind has its own perverted side. Every time I'm sitting or standing physically close with a boy, I can't help but think about a lot of negative stuff. It's embarrassing to say this but I have to since my intention here is to clear off my mind by expressing everything. However, logically speaking, everyone has their own perverted side because nobody is excused from the need to reproduce. We are human beings after all. Hahahaha! I can't believe I'm actually saying this. It's just that different people have different level of pervert-ness(?) in their mind. Maybe "pervert" isn't the right word but since I don't know what else should I use, I shall just stick with it.

Some people even complimented me for avoiding boys (because you know why) and that is also one of the reason as to why I avoided from communicating with them a lot more. Also, considering how judgmental people are today, I even do my utmost best to make my mind refuse from accepting any of them as my acquaintance. 

Long story short, I do want to marry, but my level of communication with boys and how I could be sinning myself even before I got married put me off. I don't know with whom should I consult about this matter. My sister is younger than me so I feel like she is not the right person for me to ask for a solution. My parents and my friends are not either because I can't seem to use the right words every time I talk with them about marriage related stuff. Plus, I'm scared of getting judged in the wrong way by them.

People said to have faith in God because everyone is destined to meet their soulmate regardless of where they are. But, I feel like if I don't work for it, I wouldn't meet him anytime sooner. I am also in a race against time. I have my own plan in life, so I need to work for it way harder but I don't know how to start. I'm stuck at the starting line. How should I take my first step? How should I ensure a smooth progress? I'm in a desperate need for an answer but with whom should I ask from?