Complication
August 3rd, 2018. 10:40pm.
I don't want to stay here anymore. The jokes mom are making always seemed to tick me off in the wrong way. I don't want to take things seriously but some things have its own limit. She always seem to take things too far when it comes to me. I hate admitting that I feel lonely or jealous of my siblings and that's precisely why I want to get out from this house. Harboring too much negative feelings is not my thing. I don't want to explode and regret a lot of things later. I did tell myself not to give a fuck about them but I'm not sure how long can I stand this. People always assume this as something small that can be settled in an instant but I don't handle things like that. If I treasure someone, I cannot take things lightly. Everything that person says matter a lot and that's why every thing they spout can leave an emotional effect in me. I don't want to share this problem with other people either. I hate people assuming that I'm childish for not being able to handle this without crying. I hate the fact that I'm still studying and am still relying on my family to live. I hate the fact that I have so many people to treasure. And I hate the fact how I still fail to resolve my own problems by myself without having too many emotional breakdowns.
Marriage
July 14th, 2018. 4:14pm.
It's been a while since I last updated this blog. This site is officially the oldest one that I have managed. It has been more than six years. I will do my best to update here at least once a week considering how I'm majoring in Journalism now. I want to modify a lot of things in this blog including the template and the privacy settings but I want to take it easy for the meantime.I have just finished my first semester of Degree, so I want to take my time to rest for a few days or weeks. I'm glad it has ended. It was one of the toughest moment I have experienced in my life. My life took so many turns after the long four months. Although I did learn a lot of things, I have failed a few times and most of it leave deep scars to the point that I'm scared of remembering the reasons why it happened. But this is not what I want to write here.
I'm not sure how to start because this is not the kind of topic that I necessarily talk about unless if it's with my sister. But, since I will put this blog to private, I guess I should at least be brave enough to express everything here like how I used to be during the first year of me blogging in high school. Well, I did curse people in here before. I wonder what makes me worried now? Hahahahaha! Maybe I have a different way of thinking now.
Mom seems to be mentioning about marriage a lot often lately. I'm not sure if she is joking or not. Let's just assume that she's serious because of the number of times she has talked about it every time I'm home. I think she's worried about me not showing any hint of having a boyfriend or someone like that and that I don't seem to care about such thing even though I'm already old enough to at least have one. Actually, I do care about it. I really do. But, I don't know how to express my concern regarding this topic. Strangely enough, I can converse with my sister about this just fine. But definitely not with my parents, friends, relatives, or anybody else. I don't even have the courage and confidence to bring up words such as "boys", "marriage", "love" (as in a romantic way), and "soulmate" when they are talking about me in general because I'm worried the conversation would dive deeper into such related topics.
I want to settle this by having a so-called future husband and introduce him to my family and friends so that I don't have to make everyone including myself worried anymore, but the problem is: I don't know how to find one. I grew up in a surrounding where dating as a non-married couple is considered a big sin. It wasn't my parents who taught me so, it was my friends. Everyone seemed to care about me deeply since I was in my first grade of primary school. Of course, I'm glad to have such kind and considerate friends and am grateful to know the fact that I had chosen the right friends, but ingraining me with such ideology since I was small has caused me to lose the skill to interact with boys as a whole.
When I was small, I was never told that it's okay to love someone as long as we don't do what is not permissible in Islam. I was only told that we should not date someone because it is a sin. That has caused me to think that I should not have any romantic feeling on anybody, thus, causing me to not interact with boys unless if it's about school works or other important stuff. When I came to know that it's okay to have romantic feeling on someone, I started to have mixed feelings every time I wanted to talk with boys. "Am I talking with him because of school works or is it because of the possibility that he can be my boyfriend? Am I being sincere right now?" I have now becoming concerned of this. Since I felt guilty, I kinda avoided talking with boys whenever possible because it would lead me to stress for thinking too deeply about it.
I have been confessed to a few times before but I was scared to know how serious they were. I wasn't sure if dating someone with no intention to marry is a right thing to do. And I'm scared that even if he did have the intention, the relationship might still fail halfway due to unavoidable reasons. The only thing that I would gain from the relationship would just be sins and regrets and that is the number one think I want to avoid.
I am even concerned of how I would be sinning if I make an eye contact with boys. I have to admit that my mind has its own perverted side. Every time I'm sitting or standing physically close with a boy, I can't help but think about a lot of negative stuff. It's embarrassing to say this but I have to since my intention here is to clear off my mind by expressing everything. However, logically speaking, everyone has their own perverted side because nobody is excused from the need to reproduce. We are human beings after all. Hahahaha! I can't believe I'm actually saying this. It's just that different people have different level of pervert-ness(?) in their mind. Maybe "pervert" isn't the right word but since I don't know what else should I use, I shall just stick with it.
Some people even complimented me for avoiding boys (because you know why) and that is also one of the reason as to why I avoided from communicating with them a lot more. Also, considering how judgmental people are today, I even do my utmost best to make my mind refuse from accepting any of them as my acquaintance.
Long story short, I do want to marry, but my level of communication with boys and how I could be sinning myself even before I got married put me off. I don't know with whom should I consult about this matter. My sister is younger than me so I feel like she is not the right person for me to ask for a solution. My parents and my friends are not either because I can't seem to use the right words every time I talk with them about marriage related stuff. Plus, I'm scared of getting judged in the wrong way by them.
People said to have faith in God because everyone is destined to meet their soulmate regardless of where they are. But, I feel like if I don't work for it, I wouldn't meet him anytime sooner. I am also in a race against time. I have my own plan in life, so I need to work for it way harder but I don't know how to start. I'm stuck at the starting line. How should I take my first step? How should I ensure a smooth progress? I'm in a desperate need for an answer but with whom should I ask from?
Self-governed
I have always wanted a life companion who is pretty much the same as me. A friend, a life partner, or a random acquaintance apart from my family; I don't mind which one as long as I can have someone who I can talk with and nods at everything I say as a sign of agreement. This is the most selfish request I have ever wanted from Allah. I started to feel this conquering desire since I have always been the only odd one in a group or the one who feels outcast seeing everyone talking and well-engaged in a conversation. I don't know if I'm just an emotional brat typing this down here to make senpai notice me or something but I definitely want to have that one person who can be of one mind with me in every single thing. I just need someone who I can smile or laugh with when we agree on something that everyone doesn't find so, someone who can feel together the joys seeing our favourite anime characters, and someone that views the world from the same angle as I do. I don't need a bunch of extroverts flocking around the place with me, I just want one; no matter where she comes from or how bad she used to be in the past. Now, I wonder if a doppelganger really exist?
This wish of mine is never granted. Since I was in primary school, my closest friends have always been the outgoing ones. The kind that seems to walk and leave me behind if they find a more talkative one in front. The kind that has many interests in everything like me but were rarely on the same point of view. The kind that makes me feel like there's a really short wall between us but never had once give me the urge to overcome the barrier and join their side.
But, Allah always know what's best for His servant, to begin with. Since I have never had the chance to be acquainted with someone who goes in the same flow with me in life, I always have to face with various kind of people who are running against the flow. This is what helps me grow up. From being someone who nodded and say 'Yes' to everything, I am now able to voice my opinion even though it is against the crowd. The courage to go out from my own group & doing everything without feeling restricted within the group's norms. It really is a good thing to be the 'odd' or the outcast one. Nothing is actually bad even if I'm the most untalkative one. I can feel the freedom. I don't feel scared to do anything I want even if it is disliked by the rest since I am the 'odd' one in the group to begin with. I don't feel like I am being pinned down.
I am grateful with this freedom that Allah has granted upon me. He is the best planner indeed.
Arduous Resolve
It was difficult. Choosing a major in university was one of the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life.
Sitting down in front of my laptop contemplating on what I have been doing since the last five years in high school, it took me half an hour until I decided to take a few days going outside to make a good decision to fill out my UPU form.
I could still picture my past self who were holding a wooden pencil sketching and doodling on her favourite sketchbook, ditching on her responsibility as a student who should be studying for PMR & SPM. Those were my treasured times. The most enjoyable moments I had every time I drew something out of my own imagination and it turned out just like how I wanted it to be. I really enjoyed seeing the improvements I made every week. I learned how to use various kind of art software (even Photoshop was a piece of cake ahaha) and started learning web designing. The people around me kept complimenting this one talent I had and the result of my effort staying up all night to finish up an artwork. That's when I decided to be a 2D illustrator. I knew I shouldn't waste this great talent I had so I pushed myself to make improvements every day.
However, one day, I heard a conversation my parents and my brother had about his CGPA after his three semesters majoring in Digital Arts and that's when I decided that I should give up on my dream to study in Arts & Design in university after I graduate from high school. I don't know if I made the right choice or not but my sense of rivalry was telling me that I could never defeat his 4 flat even if I were to stay up all night drawing. Aside from my father who is more fond of science stuff, all of my family members have a talent in drawing. But my brother is different from the rest. You have no idea how his 11 years of self training in digital arts has brought him to where he is now. I know how much he loved digital and fine arts. He, at least, deserved those unconquerable result. In the end, it was a bad end for me. I stopped halfway towards my goal and that was it. My drawings skill got rusted after a few months not opening my sketchbook and lying down on bed updating my blog like there was no tomorrow. That was one of the most difficult time in my life. For the first time, I cried just because of a mere reason that I would not be able to defeat my brother whom I have triumphed over countless of times in exams.
I changed my goal to be a pharmacist after I got submitted to Science stream class in my Form 4. I knew I have always got my eyes on Biology and Chemistry since my first year in high school. Listening how my mother had so much fun studying in science course when she was in UK always had my curiosity piqued to know what Science has to serve my interest. But, as the saying goes, interest is not enough if it is not accompanied with efforts. My exam results was excellent except for Biology, Chemistry, Physics, & Additional Mathematics. I studied those 4 subjects just because it seemed interesting for me but I have never put any effort in understanding the subjects properly. So, putting it short, I, once again, failed to strive for my second goal.
My relative once told me that I should try to put some thoughts on becoming a patissier (or pastry chef) because she knew I love making desserts and decorating it. I simply did that as a hobby actually but I made a research about it anyway. Since it seemed interesting and, as the local society says, it suits more for a woman to work in the kitchen, I started to work more on reaching towards becoming a pastry chef. When I thought I finally have settled on a life goal, things just started to go rough. An acquaintance of mine who had an experience majoring in culinary arts told me that being a patissier is definitely not for someone like me. She said that time consistency is the utmost importance in everything when it comes to pastry making and this routine does not suit for someone who makes pastries out of a mere hobby. She also added that if I always complain if the outcomes do not suit my taste, then the world of pastry is definitely, positively, and undoubtedly, not for me to step in. It hurt hearing that but it was the truth. So, yeah, another turning point for me. Once again, I gave up. It was my first time realizing that, for someone energetic like me, I sure gave up a lot when it comes towards life goal.
I finally graduated from high school and started to be in the phase of contemplating my own life. Staring at the UPU form felt like I could form a hole on my laptop screen so I decided to give myself some spaces to think about my own future (oh, and did I ever mention how my parents let me decide everything for myself by myself? Don't be jealous there, you can't have them. My parents are mine). I think a lot back then until I decided to still put Arts & Design as my first choice. I don't know why I chose it even after the humiliating defeat I experienced after I knew my brother's CGPA. My hand moved by itself, I guess? Hahaha. My second choice was TESL. Since I always performed excellently in English at school, I recommended this for myself. There's no way I would choose Science stream anymore. Getting a D in Chemistry was a stop sign for everything. My third choice was New Media and Contentrepreneurship. The list goes on and on until the last choice, which is the sixth one. I forgot what I put for the rest.
Finally, it was time to step into the school for one last time to take our SPM result. My result was so-so, I guess. But, still, I was announced as one of the best students in school (didn't expect that. Alhamdulillah) and, yeah of course, I triumphed over my brother in SPM.
Judging from my result and knowing how much I was at a lost in choosing my major in university, my parents helped me by suggesting some suitable courses that might be under my preferences. That's when I knew about Communication and Media course. My father said that since I scored A+ in English and got my GCE 1119 a 1A, Communication and Media might be a good choice for me. He also said that because he knew how I write a lot and English seemed to be my language preference in study. Plus, he seemed to know how I secretly admire the works of the media and how many times a journalist can go travel around instead of sitting in front of a desk doing works like as if there is no future awaits tomorrow. After he explained everything about the course, I went and googled about the course. A lot of blogs appeared in the search results and I read them one by one. I knew that this must be a fated encounter for me to finally found a suiting major for me after I read all of the bloggers' experiences and what have they achieved from studying the course for three years. It's going to be a really really really long entry if I type down what makes me decided to choose Communication and Media Studies for my Diploma but I'll just say this one thing; Only Allah knows why (ahahahah, I guess that does not give you a clue, isn't it? Well, leave it be).
Since there was still a chance for ex-candidates of SPM to change what they have filled in the UPU form, I hurriedly opened the website and changed the options that I chose from my first choice. You have no idea just how delighted I was to finally be able to make my final decision. It felt like I can finally end my life peacefully (even though I know I actually can't. Too many sins *sobs*) and rest myself down on a flower bed. It felt like I have just survived a tough war even though I have already been hit by countless bombs and missiles (defeat and surrender).
Now, I have settled my third semester in Media and Communication course with no hassle and will be starting my fourth semester on December 5th. There are a few subjects that did not go well for me but most of it was good. I enjoyed studying in this course and am planning to be a journalist contributing to a travel magazine. I even got a compliment from my lecturer that I have a potential to be one because of my writing. I promise I won't disappoint my parents who have lend their hand, head, and heart to their daughter who kept giving up in deciding the simplest thing in life. I love you, ibu, abah.
Roommates
I miss the noises that the lockers made, the scattered shoes in front of the door, the sounds of morning alarms, and their voices that became the first thing I heard every time I woke up from my (supposedly) short nap. The notice board that we filled with accessories and random stuffs, the dim-lighted color of our room when the light outside pierced through the curtain, and the messy top bunk bed that only they knew what I kept up there.
As messy and noisy as our room can be, Ummi & Lyssa are still the best roommates I could ever ask for.
Their deafening screams and random crazes that can be heard throughout the whole college during the two long semesters never cease to make my day.
It cracked me seeing their random arguments over some ridiculously small things and hearing their "I love you too, Nurin" greetings as their sign of gratitude because of only God knows why toward this silent roommate of theirs.
It surprised other people to know that I can bear living with them for the whole year despite being the most silent student in class.
Lyssa was the first person I stumbled upon during my first semester and we have pretty much lived our life in the same room for the whole three consecutive semesters. If the world is a school life anime series, she is definitely that one tough Hime-sama ("princess" in Japanese) of the school who also owns that one sugoii bonus talent as an information breaker. It makes me green with envy seeing how despite the hardships that she had to face alone, her daily life still seems to move smooth-sailing like nothing is an obstacle for her. While Ummi, who first appeared in my life as a housemate of mine during my first semester, was my roommate for the last two semesters in Tun Perak. Our room might be one hell of a mess sometimes but Ummi always know when to tidy it up. Thanks to her, we can still see the floor and where we kept our stuff. She is also my Subuh alarm (even though it did not work sometimes for this sleeping-like-a-log habit of mine) and the one who always ask my whereabouts if I were gone for hours. Lyssa and Ummi has a good chemistry. Their jokes always seem to work out and it never cease to fill my day with laughter. There was this one day when I remembered their jokes during a test and grinned like an idiot at the corner of the class (only Atin knows just how many times I mumbled at the back alone).
Only Allah knows just how much fun I had and how many things I have learned for the last three semesters living with them. I know I don't have the right to pray to have them as my roommates again for the next two sems (because it seemed like only I enjoyed the ride) and let them have their right to choose with whom they want to spend their next semester with but I still hope we can at least live near enough that we can hear each other's room screeching noises every time someone open the door.
May Allah blessings be upon these two lovely angels.
See you soon, Lyssa, Ummi.
My Preference Goes to My Daily Life
Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
During the recent class, I learned that there are various kind of Da'ie (of course I knew about this way long before) and one of it is... I forgot. Whatever it is, my lecturer said that one of the mentioned kind is bloggers. So, he asked if there any blogger in the class. I did not raise my hand, of course. My friend raised hers. "What kind of topic do you update in your blog?" he asked. My friend is a fan of quotes and anything along the line, so, yeah, that's what she answered. "Good thing you are not the kind of bloggers to update about some sort of stupid report of your daily life,"
Whew, that hits me.
What's so wrong with updating about your daily life in your blog? It's a blog, for goodness sake. You can update anything you want in a blog. Plus, it's your blog. If you're talking about how it does not give any benefit, then I have a thing to tell you off. It does bring benefits for me. Apart from how my stress got released, I am happy with how I have improved my English and writing just through updating my blog about my daily life because describing/telling about things that just happened in your life is another way for you to keep writing lots and lots. Plus, only bloggers (and writers) understand how satisfied it feels when you just finished typing for a really long entry.
I love updating my blog about my daily life. Yeah, I know there are nothing fascinating happening in my life at all but, I just simply love it for no apparent reason. I can't explain it really well, but, knowing that my blog do not have many followers (I love this, seriously. I used to hate this, but, it is a good thing for me now, so, yeah), I feel like I can update everything that I want in my blog. I do not have to worry about how other people will look at me because of that.
Plus, the fact that I cannot put my thinking into words properly makes me happy to have a blog to update about what I wanted to say everyday. It helps me to learn how to use a proper way to put thoughts into words. Also, you cannot deny the fact that my English have improved a lot because of this. I also got a lot of praises from my lecturer for my good explanations in my Journalism assignment. It hypes me up to know that my habit of doing the so-called "stupid" thing about updating things regarding my daily life in my blog actually helps a lot in my studies (there you go, sensei).
Of course, I did update something other than my daily life such as my point of view about a certain topic (like how, nowadays, there are still 'penindasan' on women). But, my topic preference goes to my daily life. I repeat, I just simply love it. That's all. As everyone know, I also write stories about my official characters in here. And this helps in improving my imagination, really XD
I guess I have to stop here for now. I will update another entry after this. Isya' prayer is calling~ Adieu~
"Anak dara apa macam ni,"
Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
When I have to go to my relative's house at Kelantan, the first thing that always come into my mind is, "Ah, I have to face those nonsense again,"
"Anak dara apa macam ni. Nak buat kerja dapur pun malas,"
These words hurts me like there is no end. Maybe I am the only one facing this every time I went visiting my relatives or it is just that nobody wanted to voice out their opinion in this case. Just as you all know, I am the type of girl that do not prefer to stay and work in the kitchen, but instead, working on my writing and photography. Of course, I do help out in the kitchen, not often though, because, for some reason, people just don't call me for help even though I tried to help voluntarily. I can do all those kitchen chores by myself. Yes, I really can. But, when there are just too many old grown-up women in the house (Oh God, I just have to say this. And, I do not mean it in a bad way, peasants!), everything just got done by itself. Cooking, cleaning, etc.--- I could not even find what I can do to help out and play my role as a ******* "anak dara".
"Malas"--- I think that word is not the right word to describe me just because I had to refuse to help out in the kitchen due to other important works that only I alone can manage it. It is not that often that I refuse to help, you self-proclaimed hardworking humans. Plus, saying that I am not "anak dara" just because I cannot properly work in the kitchen is really unfair. Never even once in Islamic teaching I have ever heard that you are not a ******* virgin "anak dara" just because you do not work in the kitchen. It is a fact that kitchen chores are for both women and men to do and it is an obligatory for men to help out in the kitchen if they know that women that are working in the kitchen need it. Men are not supposed to sit in comfy and complain about what served food does not suit their ******** taste to women who have worked hard to serve the house.
My ability and interest is more towards arts in writing and photography and kitchen chores is not really to my liking (but, of course, I still do it even though I don't like it). And, yes, in case of taking family picture and big events, I am the one holding the responsibility in the house. But, for some reason or another, they cannot see how much I have put my ability to great use for their own sake and all they know about me is that I am not a ******** "anak dara" because I am "malas" enough to do kitchen chores.
I have a dream to work outside the house and travel around the world to gain knowledge a lot more and this is one of the reasons as to why I am sharpening my ability in writing and photography. I want to be a freelance journalist and spread true information to the world and help out the people in need. Yes, in Islam, women are supposed to work in the house and fulfill their husband's needs, but it is permissible if they want to go out to work or gain knowledge with the condition not with the intention to show off their physical charms and beauty. I really love this fact. But, mindset orang kampung Melayu zaman sekarang kebanyakannya masih mengekalkan cara zaman jahiliah dulu. "Tak sopanlah anak dara keluar rumah. Baik duduk rumah buat kerja dapur. Kan lagi bagus," says those people when it is still like 10 hours before Maghrib. I am so sorry to say this, but I see that as a penindasan to women nowadays. I know that people are just saying that for women's own safety, but saying "tak sopan" when we go outside is unfair to all women who want to work outside for the sake of their own living and their family's, even for the world's. In my opinion, that is only applicable to those who go out with the intention that is not permissible in Islam.
Anyway, disturbing my roommates sleeping at 1 until 2 in the morning updating this blog is quite rude, so I have to finish it here. I really hope that people nowadays really know and put it to concern on what Islam really taught us in our daily life. They just do not realize what kind of mindset they are using when teaching the growing youngsters today and I'm worried that those kind of teachings will last until the last generation on Earth -___- Allah dah bagi akalkan? Fikirkanlah sendiri yang selebihnya berdasarkan Al-Qur'an dan Hadis. Bukannya nak cakap diri ni dah sempurna, tapi dah jadi kewajipan untuk mengingatkan antara satu sama lain, kan? Jadi, harap maklum dan fahamkan. Just so you know, I am noting this in my mind too. Assalamu'alaikum.
Complication
August 3rd, 2018. 10:40pm.
I don't want to stay here anymore. The jokes mom are making always seemed to tick me off in the wrong way. I don't want to take things seriously but some things have its own limit. She always seem to take things too far when it comes to me. I hate admitting that I feel lonely or jealous of my siblings and that's precisely why I want to get out from this house. Harboring too much negative feelings is not my thing. I don't want to explode and regret a lot of things later. I did tell myself not to give a fuck about them but I'm not sure how long can I stand this. People always assume this as something small that can be settled in an instant but I don't handle things like that. If I treasure someone, I cannot take things lightly. Everything that person says matter a lot and that's why every thing they spout can leave an emotional effect in me. I don't want to share this problem with other people either. I hate people assuming that I'm childish for not being able to handle this without crying. I hate the fact that I'm still studying and am still relying on my family to live. I hate the fact that I have so many people to treasure. And I hate the fact how I still fail to resolve my own problems by myself without having too many emotional breakdowns.
Marriage
July 14th, 2018. 4:14pm.
It's been a while since I last updated this blog. This site is officially the oldest one that I have managed. It has been more than six years. I will do my best to update here at least once a week considering how I'm majoring in Journalism now. I want to modify a lot of things in this blog including the template and the privacy settings but I want to take it easy for the meantime.I have just finished my first semester of Degree, so I want to take my time to rest for a few days or weeks. I'm glad it has ended. It was one of the toughest moment I have experienced in my life. My life took so many turns after the long four months. Although I did learn a lot of things, I have failed a few times and most of it leave deep scars to the point that I'm scared of remembering the reasons why it happened. But this is not what I want to write here.
I'm not sure how to start because this is not the kind of topic that I necessarily talk about unless if it's with my sister. But, since I will put this blog to private, I guess I should at least be brave enough to express everything here like how I used to be during the first year of me blogging in high school. Well, I did curse people in here before. I wonder what makes me worried now? Hahahahaha! Maybe I have a different way of thinking now.
Mom seems to be mentioning about marriage a lot often lately. I'm not sure if she is joking or not. Let's just assume that she's serious because of the number of times she has talked about it every time I'm home. I think she's worried about me not showing any hint of having a boyfriend or someone like that and that I don't seem to care about such thing even though I'm already old enough to at least have one. Actually, I do care about it. I really do. But, I don't know how to express my concern regarding this topic. Strangely enough, I can converse with my sister about this just fine. But definitely not with my parents, friends, relatives, or anybody else. I don't even have the courage and confidence to bring up words such as "boys", "marriage", "love" (as in a romantic way), and "soulmate" when they are talking about me in general because I'm worried the conversation would dive deeper into such related topics.
I want to settle this by having a so-called future husband and introduce him to my family and friends so that I don't have to make everyone including myself worried anymore, but the problem is: I don't know how to find one. I grew up in a surrounding where dating as a non-married couple is considered a big sin. It wasn't my parents who taught me so, it was my friends. Everyone seemed to care about me deeply since I was in my first grade of primary school. Of course, I'm glad to have such kind and considerate friends and am grateful to know the fact that I had chosen the right friends, but ingraining me with such ideology since I was small has caused me to lose the skill to interact with boys as a whole.
When I was small, I was never told that it's okay to love someone as long as we don't do what is not permissible in Islam. I was only told that we should not date someone because it is a sin. That has caused me to think that I should not have any romantic feeling on anybody, thus, causing me to not interact with boys unless if it's about school works or other important stuff. When I came to know that it's okay to have romantic feeling on someone, I started to have mixed feelings every time I wanted to talk with boys. "Am I talking with him because of school works or is it because of the possibility that he can be my boyfriend? Am I being sincere right now?" I have now becoming concerned of this. Since I felt guilty, I kinda avoided talking with boys whenever possible because it would lead me to stress for thinking too deeply about it.
I have been confessed to a few times before but I was scared to know how serious they were. I wasn't sure if dating someone with no intention to marry is a right thing to do. And I'm scared that even if he did have the intention, the relationship might still fail halfway due to unavoidable reasons. The only thing that I would gain from the relationship would just be sins and regrets and that is the number one think I want to avoid.
I am even concerned of how I would be sinning if I make an eye contact with boys. I have to admit that my mind has its own perverted side. Every time I'm sitting or standing physically close with a boy, I can't help but think about a lot of negative stuff. It's embarrassing to say this but I have to since my intention here is to clear off my mind by expressing everything. However, logically speaking, everyone has their own perverted side because nobody is excused from the need to reproduce. We are human beings after all. Hahahaha! I can't believe I'm actually saying this. It's just that different people have different level of pervert-ness(?) in their mind. Maybe "pervert" isn't the right word but since I don't know what else should I use, I shall just stick with it.
Some people even complimented me for avoiding boys (because you know why) and that is also one of the reason as to why I avoided from communicating with them a lot more. Also, considering how judgmental people are today, I even do my utmost best to make my mind refuse from accepting any of them as my acquaintance.
Long story short, I do want to marry, but my level of communication with boys and how I could be sinning myself even before I got married put me off. I don't know with whom should I consult about this matter. My sister is younger than me so I feel like she is not the right person for me to ask for a solution. My parents and my friends are not either because I can't seem to use the right words every time I talk with them about marriage related stuff. Plus, I'm scared of getting judged in the wrong way by them.
People said to have faith in God because everyone is destined to meet their soulmate regardless of where they are. But, I feel like if I don't work for it, I wouldn't meet him anytime sooner. I am also in a race against time. I have my own plan in life, so I need to work for it way harder but I don't know how to start. I'm stuck at the starting line. How should I take my first step? How should I ensure a smooth progress? I'm in a desperate need for an answer but with whom should I ask from?
Self-governed
I have always wanted a life companion who is pretty much the same as me. A friend, a life partner, or a random acquaintance apart from my family; I don't mind which one as long as I can have someone who I can talk with and nods at everything I say as a sign of agreement. This is the most selfish request I have ever wanted from Allah. I started to feel this conquering desire since I have always been the only odd one in a group or the one who feels outcast seeing everyone talking and well-engaged in a conversation. I don't know if I'm just an emotional brat typing this down here to make senpai notice me or something but I definitely want to have that one person who can be of one mind with me in every single thing. I just need someone who I can smile or laugh with when we agree on something that everyone doesn't find so, someone who can feel together the joys seeing our favourite anime characters, and someone that views the world from the same angle as I do. I don't need a bunch of extroverts flocking around the place with me, I just want one; no matter where she comes from or how bad she used to be in the past. Now, I wonder if a doppelganger really exist?
This wish of mine is never granted. Since I was in primary school, my closest friends have always been the outgoing ones. The kind that seems to walk and leave me behind if they find a more talkative one in front. The kind that has many interests in everything like me but were rarely on the same point of view. The kind that makes me feel like there's a really short wall between us but never had once give me the urge to overcome the barrier and join their side.
But, Allah always know what's best for His servant, to begin with. Since I have never had the chance to be acquainted with someone who goes in the same flow with me in life, I always have to face with various kind of people who are running against the flow. This is what helps me grow up. From being someone who nodded and say 'Yes' to everything, I am now able to voice my opinion even though it is against the crowd. The courage to go out from my own group & doing everything without feeling restricted within the group's norms. It really is a good thing to be the 'odd' or the outcast one. Nothing is actually bad even if I'm the most untalkative one. I can feel the freedom. I don't feel scared to do anything I want even if it is disliked by the rest since I am the 'odd' one in the group to begin with. I don't feel like I am being pinned down.
I am grateful with this freedom that Allah has granted upon me. He is the best planner indeed.
Arduous Resolve
It was difficult. Choosing a major in university was one of the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life.
Sitting down in front of my laptop contemplating on what I have been doing since the last five years in high school, it took me half an hour until I decided to take a few days going outside to make a good decision to fill out my UPU form.
I could still picture my past self who were holding a wooden pencil sketching and doodling on her favourite sketchbook, ditching on her responsibility as a student who should be studying for PMR & SPM. Those were my treasured times. The most enjoyable moments I had every time I drew something out of my own imagination and it turned out just like how I wanted it to be. I really enjoyed seeing the improvements I made every week. I learned how to use various kind of art software (even Photoshop was a piece of cake ahaha) and started learning web designing. The people around me kept complimenting this one talent I had and the result of my effort staying up all night to finish up an artwork. That's when I decided to be a 2D illustrator. I knew I shouldn't waste this great talent I had so I pushed myself to make improvements every day.
However, one day, I heard a conversation my parents and my brother had about his CGPA after his three semesters majoring in Digital Arts and that's when I decided that I should give up on my dream to study in Arts & Design in university after I graduate from high school. I don't know if I made the right choice or not but my sense of rivalry was telling me that I could never defeat his 4 flat even if I were to stay up all night drawing. Aside from my father who is more fond of science stuff, all of my family members have a talent in drawing. But my brother is different from the rest. You have no idea how his 11 years of self training in digital arts has brought him to where he is now. I know how much he loved digital and fine arts. He, at least, deserved those unconquerable result. In the end, it was a bad end for me. I stopped halfway towards my goal and that was it. My drawings skill got rusted after a few months not opening my sketchbook and lying down on bed updating my blog like there was no tomorrow. That was one of the most difficult time in my life. For the first time, I cried just because of a mere reason that I would not be able to defeat my brother whom I have triumphed over countless of times in exams.
I changed my goal to be a pharmacist after I got submitted to Science stream class in my Form 4. I knew I have always got my eyes on Biology and Chemistry since my first year in high school. Listening how my mother had so much fun studying in science course when she was in UK always had my curiosity piqued to know what Science has to serve my interest. But, as the saying goes, interest is not enough if it is not accompanied with efforts. My exam results was excellent except for Biology, Chemistry, Physics, & Additional Mathematics. I studied those 4 subjects just because it seemed interesting for me but I have never put any effort in understanding the subjects properly. So, putting it short, I, once again, failed to strive for my second goal.
My relative once told me that I should try to put some thoughts on becoming a patissier (or pastry chef) because she knew I love making desserts and decorating it. I simply did that as a hobby actually but I made a research about it anyway. Since it seemed interesting and, as the local society says, it suits more for a woman to work in the kitchen, I started to work more on reaching towards becoming a pastry chef. When I thought I finally have settled on a life goal, things just started to go rough. An acquaintance of mine who had an experience majoring in culinary arts told me that being a patissier is definitely not for someone like me. She said that time consistency is the utmost importance in everything when it comes to pastry making and this routine does not suit for someone who makes pastries out of a mere hobby. She also added that if I always complain if the outcomes do not suit my taste, then the world of pastry is definitely, positively, and undoubtedly, not for me to step in. It hurt hearing that but it was the truth. So, yeah, another turning point for me. Once again, I gave up. It was my first time realizing that, for someone energetic like me, I sure gave up a lot when it comes towards life goal.
I finally graduated from high school and started to be in the phase of contemplating my own life. Staring at the UPU form felt like I could form a hole on my laptop screen so I decided to give myself some spaces to think about my own future (oh, and did I ever mention how my parents let me decide everything for myself by myself? Don't be jealous there, you can't have them. My parents are mine). I think a lot back then until I decided to still put Arts & Design as my first choice. I don't know why I chose it even after the humiliating defeat I experienced after I knew my brother's CGPA. My hand moved by itself, I guess? Hahaha. My second choice was TESL. Since I always performed excellently in English at school, I recommended this for myself. There's no way I would choose Science stream anymore. Getting a D in Chemistry was a stop sign for everything. My third choice was New Media and Contentrepreneurship. The list goes on and on until the last choice, which is the sixth one. I forgot what I put for the rest.
Finally, it was time to step into the school for one last time to take our SPM result. My result was so-so, I guess. But, still, I was announced as one of the best students in school (didn't expect that. Alhamdulillah) and, yeah of course, I triumphed over my brother in SPM.
Judging from my result and knowing how much I was at a lost in choosing my major in university, my parents helped me by suggesting some suitable courses that might be under my preferences. That's when I knew about Communication and Media course. My father said that since I scored A+ in English and got my GCE 1119 a 1A, Communication and Media might be a good choice for me. He also said that because he knew how I write a lot and English seemed to be my language preference in study. Plus, he seemed to know how I secretly admire the works of the media and how many times a journalist can go travel around instead of sitting in front of a desk doing works like as if there is no future awaits tomorrow. After he explained everything about the course, I went and googled about the course. A lot of blogs appeared in the search results and I read them one by one. I knew that this must be a fated encounter for me to finally found a suiting major for me after I read all of the bloggers' experiences and what have they achieved from studying the course for three years. It's going to be a really really really long entry if I type down what makes me decided to choose Communication and Media Studies for my Diploma but I'll just say this one thing; Only Allah knows why (ahahahah, I guess that does not give you a clue, isn't it? Well, leave it be).
Since there was still a chance for ex-candidates of SPM to change what they have filled in the UPU form, I hurriedly opened the website and changed the options that I chose from my first choice. You have no idea just how delighted I was to finally be able to make my final decision. It felt like I can finally end my life peacefully (even though I know I actually can't. Too many sins *sobs*) and rest myself down on a flower bed. It felt like I have just survived a tough war even though I have already been hit by countless bombs and missiles (defeat and surrender).
Now, I have settled my third semester in Media and Communication course with no hassle and will be starting my fourth semester on December 5th. There are a few subjects that did not go well for me but most of it was good. I enjoyed studying in this course and am planning to be a journalist contributing to a travel magazine. I even got a compliment from my lecturer that I have a potential to be one because of my writing. I promise I won't disappoint my parents who have lend their hand, head, and heart to their daughter who kept giving up in deciding the simplest thing in life. I love you, ibu, abah.
Roommates
I miss the noises that the lockers made, the scattered shoes in front of the door, the sounds of morning alarms, and their voices that became the first thing I heard every time I woke up from my (supposedly) short nap. The notice board that we filled with accessories and random stuffs, the dim-lighted color of our room when the light outside pierced through the curtain, and the messy top bunk bed that only they knew what I kept up there.
As messy and noisy as our room can be, Ummi & Lyssa are still the best roommates I could ever ask for.
Their deafening screams and random crazes that can be heard throughout the whole college during the two long semesters never cease to make my day.
It cracked me seeing their random arguments over some ridiculously small things and hearing their "I love you too, Nurin" greetings as their sign of gratitude because of only God knows why toward this silent roommate of theirs.
It surprised other people to know that I can bear living with them for the whole year despite being the most silent student in class.
Lyssa was the first person I stumbled upon during my first semester and we have pretty much lived our life in the same room for the whole three consecutive semesters. If the world is a school life anime series, she is definitely that one tough Hime-sama ("princess" in Japanese) of the school who also owns that one sugoii bonus talent as an information breaker. It makes me green with envy seeing how despite the hardships that she had to face alone, her daily life still seems to move smooth-sailing like nothing is an obstacle for her. While Ummi, who first appeared in my life as a housemate of mine during my first semester, was my roommate for the last two semesters in Tun Perak. Our room might be one hell of a mess sometimes but Ummi always know when to tidy it up. Thanks to her, we can still see the floor and where we kept our stuff. She is also my Subuh alarm (even though it did not work sometimes for this sleeping-like-a-log habit of mine) and the one who always ask my whereabouts if I were gone for hours. Lyssa and Ummi has a good chemistry. Their jokes always seem to work out and it never cease to fill my day with laughter. There was this one day when I remembered their jokes during a test and grinned like an idiot at the corner of the class (only Atin knows just how many times I mumbled at the back alone).
Only Allah knows just how much fun I had and how many things I have learned for the last three semesters living with them. I know I don't have the right to pray to have them as my roommates again for the next two sems (because it seemed like only I enjoyed the ride) and let them have their right to choose with whom they want to spend their next semester with but I still hope we can at least live near enough that we can hear each other's room screeching noises every time someone open the door.
May Allah blessings be upon these two lovely angels.
See you soon, Lyssa, Ummi.
My Preference Goes to My Daily Life
Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
During the recent class, I learned that there are various kind of Da'ie (of course I knew about this way long before) and one of it is... I forgot. Whatever it is, my lecturer said that one of the mentioned kind is bloggers. So, he asked if there any blogger in the class. I did not raise my hand, of course. My friend raised hers. "What kind of topic do you update in your blog?" he asked. My friend is a fan of quotes and anything along the line, so, yeah, that's what she answered. "Good thing you are not the kind of bloggers to update about some sort of stupid report of your daily life,"
Whew, that hits me.
What's so wrong with updating about your daily life in your blog? It's a blog, for goodness sake. You can update anything you want in a blog. Plus, it's your blog. If you're talking about how it does not give any benefit, then I have a thing to tell you off. It does bring benefits for me. Apart from how my stress got released, I am happy with how I have improved my English and writing just through updating my blog about my daily life because describing/telling about things that just happened in your life is another way for you to keep writing lots and lots. Plus, only bloggers (and writers) understand how satisfied it feels when you just finished typing for a really long entry.
I love updating my blog about my daily life. Yeah, I know there are nothing fascinating happening in my life at all but, I just simply love it for no apparent reason. I can't explain it really well, but, knowing that my blog do not have many followers (I love this, seriously. I used to hate this, but, it is a good thing for me now, so, yeah), I feel like I can update everything that I want in my blog. I do not have to worry about how other people will look at me because of that.
Plus, the fact that I cannot put my thinking into words properly makes me happy to have a blog to update about what I wanted to say everyday. It helps me to learn how to use a proper way to put thoughts into words. Also, you cannot deny the fact that my English have improved a lot because of this. I also got a lot of praises from my lecturer for my good explanations in my Journalism assignment. It hypes me up to know that my habit of doing the so-called "stupid" thing about updating things regarding my daily life in my blog actually helps a lot in my studies (there you go, sensei).
Of course, I did update something other than my daily life such as my point of view about a certain topic (like how, nowadays, there are still 'penindasan' on women). But, my topic preference goes to my daily life. I repeat, I just simply love it. That's all. As everyone know, I also write stories about my official characters in here. And this helps in improving my imagination, really XD
I guess I have to stop here for now. I will update another entry after this. Isya' prayer is calling~ Adieu~
"Anak dara apa macam ni,"
Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
When I have to go to my relative's house at Kelantan, the first thing that always come into my mind is, "Ah, I have to face those nonsense again,"
"Anak dara apa macam ni. Nak buat kerja dapur pun malas,"
These words hurts me like there is no end. Maybe I am the only one facing this every time I went visiting my relatives or it is just that nobody wanted to voice out their opinion in this case. Just as you all know, I am the type of girl that do not prefer to stay and work in the kitchen, but instead, working on my writing and photography. Of course, I do help out in the kitchen, not often though, because, for some reason, people just don't call me for help even though I tried to help voluntarily. I can do all those kitchen chores by myself. Yes, I really can. But, when there are just too many old grown-up women in the house (Oh God, I just have to say this. And, I do not mean it in a bad way, peasants!), everything just got done by itself. Cooking, cleaning, etc.--- I could not even find what I can do to help out and play my role as a ******* "anak dara".
"Malas"--- I think that word is not the right word to describe me just because I had to refuse to help out in the kitchen due to other important works that only I alone can manage it. It is not that often that I refuse to help, you self-proclaimed hardworking humans. Plus, saying that I am not "anak dara" just because I cannot properly work in the kitchen is really unfair. Never even once in Islamic teaching I have ever heard that you are not a ******* virgin "anak dara" just because you do not work in the kitchen. It is a fact that kitchen chores are for both women and men to do and it is an obligatory for men to help out in the kitchen if they know that women that are working in the kitchen need it. Men are not supposed to sit in comfy and complain about what served food does not suit their ******** taste to women who have worked hard to serve the house.
My ability and interest is more towards arts in writing and photography and kitchen chores is not really to my liking (but, of course, I still do it even though I don't like it). And, yes, in case of taking family picture and big events, I am the one holding the responsibility in the house. But, for some reason or another, they cannot see how much I have put my ability to great use for their own sake and all they know about me is that I am not a ******** "anak dara" because I am "malas" enough to do kitchen chores.
I have a dream to work outside the house and travel around the world to gain knowledge a lot more and this is one of the reasons as to why I am sharpening my ability in writing and photography. I want to be a freelance journalist and spread true information to the world and help out the people in need. Yes, in Islam, women are supposed to work in the house and fulfill their husband's needs, but it is permissible if they want to go out to work or gain knowledge with the condition not with the intention to show off their physical charms and beauty. I really love this fact. But, mindset orang kampung Melayu zaman sekarang kebanyakannya masih mengekalkan cara zaman jahiliah dulu. "Tak sopanlah anak dara keluar rumah. Baik duduk rumah buat kerja dapur. Kan lagi bagus," says those people when it is still like 10 hours before Maghrib. I am so sorry to say this, but I see that as a penindasan to women nowadays. I know that people are just saying that for women's own safety, but saying "tak sopan" when we go outside is unfair to all women who want to work outside for the sake of their own living and their family's, even for the world's. In my opinion, that is only applicable to those who go out with the intention that is not permissible in Islam.
Anyway, disturbing my roommates sleeping at 1 until 2 in the morning updating this blog is quite rude, so I have to finish it here. I really hope that people nowadays really know and put it to concern on what Islam really taught us in our daily life. They just do not realize what kind of mindset they are using when teaching the growing youngsters today and I'm worried that those kind of teachings will last until the last generation on Earth -___- Allah dah bagi akalkan? Fikirkanlah sendiri yang selebihnya berdasarkan Al-Qur'an dan Hadis. Bukannya nak cakap diri ni dah sempurna, tapi dah jadi kewajipan untuk mengingatkan antara satu sama lain, kan? Jadi, harap maklum dan fahamkan. Just so you know, I am noting this in my mind too. Assalamu'alaikum.
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